More Mitch Hedberg jokes

[Dallas Baillio]

I'm back! More Mitch Hedburg jokes. I can't resist. You really have to admire someone who thinks the way he does.

•"I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. 'Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.'"

•"A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage."

•"I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar in a store, sometimes I will drop it so it will reach its maximum flavor potential."

•"Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. 'Cheeseburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti and blankets.'"

•"Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. 'Tom's gone!' 'Is he a magician?' 'No.' 'Then let's print up some flyers!'"

A rotisserie is a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It's a strange piece of machinery. We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I'll be damned if I'm not hungry, because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water. I like dizzy chicken!

I had a job interview, and the woman asked "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question."

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it gets busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, "Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again. "Dufrene, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You are selfish! The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now. With duct tape over their mouths! And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufrenes!

I saw this lady on tv. She was born without arms. She was literally born with her hands attached to her shoulders. And that was sad. But then they said, 'Lola does not know the meaning of the word can't.' And that was actually kinda worse, in a way. Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions!

Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's really not, cause dude didn't even get his degree! Why'd you have to drop out and start making pop so soon?